You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
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ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!