You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
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I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.