My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
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For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
NASA has no chill
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you