@JeremyKCMO: You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic
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@TheToddWilliams: [NASCAR Press Conference] REPORTER: What's your race strategy? DRIVER: Fast circles
@zachreinert03: I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn't even notice I wasn't wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
@kellysdf: According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, "I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store."