A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
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Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Who knew!
My brain is a bad influence on me
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
he looks great for his age
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.