Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
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It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
No. He’s not coming out to play
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.