“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
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*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum