You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
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If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!