If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
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This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
THIS HEADLINE
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
the prophecy has been fulfilled