You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
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Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Cake safety first. Always.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.