Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
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My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Poetry is my passion
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.