You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
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We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
January has been Januweary
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.