you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
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Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.