you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
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You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
i love modern commerce
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.