It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
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Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center