You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
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Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
choose your gary
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
me, after any kind of buffet.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
there’s probably a fee though
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.