You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
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7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
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