Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
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If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.