@Storminika: You ever lied so much on a resume, you're actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?
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@sixthformpoet: I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
@dreamthievin: A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
@MischievousJam: I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday. BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food