Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
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Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club