when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
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Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes