“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
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Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.