You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
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what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Me, reading some of your tweets
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.