@alldrolledup: You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
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@brunopieroni: Does WebMD ever just say "you're fine, there's nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?"
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick's Day. Chipotle manager: It's St. Patrick's Day?
@Flykins: COP: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "It was way easier than solving a murder?"