You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
You Might Also Like
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
turning my gender off to conserve energy
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.