You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
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Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Dune (2021)
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?