You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
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Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“