You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
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If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information