@Storminika: You ever see your kid looking so dirty at school and don't wanna pick him up? I just drove pass mine now like, 'Hell no, that is not my kid'
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@Lisa_Laughs_: I don't mind people that stick their noses in the air. It makes it that much easier to trip them or push them down 10 flights of stairs.
@JamieGreenlees: My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park :(
@moose_chocolate: Some might say I peed my pants. I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the classy refined gentleman that I am. #bt140
@JB4Realz: [Marriage Counseling] Wife: He's always messing up even the simplest phrases. Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download...