you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
You Might Also Like
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
This guy gets it.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]