THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
You Might Also Like
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!