ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
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If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
New favorite tiktok
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*