You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
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If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Ghost costume 😂
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl