You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
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I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“i am a sweet baby”
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.