You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
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Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president