You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
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If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants