“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
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if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food