You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
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Sorry. Not sorry
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better