Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
You Might Also Like
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
What a year we’ve had this week.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son