@timdonakowski: You get to sleep all day, cat, that's why I get the good food.
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@therepoguy: Moves shopping cart to allow car to park Lady doesn't even say thanks Puts cart back behind her car Leaves.
@SteveSuckington: [at adoption agency] "Why do you think you'd be a good fit for adoption?" *cut to a baby mowing my lawn* "I just love kids"
@darkmatter_wimp: At the club, a 6'1" girl was crying in my lap. I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe. Win-win.