You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
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Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.