@timdonakowski: You get to sleep all day, cat, that's why I get the good food.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [High school reunion] Hey guys! Remember me!? "No" How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head* (in unison) CHRIS!
@all_about_today: What I've learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.
@Sarcasticsapien: Interviewer: Where were you born? Me: Missouri. I: What state are you in now? M: Apathy. I: That's not what I meant. M: I don't care.
@jctwritesstuff: Her: Can you babysit? Me: Uh, what do I do? H: Play games & stuff. M: Like drinking games? H: He's 2. M: H: M: So like no hard liquor or...?