You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
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A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.