You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
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How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u