You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
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H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*