A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
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Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
when someone compliments me
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out