Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
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wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Saw online –
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
oh my gosh!!
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat