@noog: You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
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@badbanana: Reality show idea: "So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson's Nose." Hidden camera. Tyson isn't in on it.
@13spencer: A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
@Dutch_50: Doctor: You have acute alcoholism. Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it's not very cute in the morning.