You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
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The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I am a gravy boat captain
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
S O O N
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!