You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
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Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”