You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
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If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
this is me
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own