@timdonakowski: "You got a friend in me" - your friend's girlfriend
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@Godhatespants: Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie *points finger gun at mouth* *pulls trigger*
@lianamaeby: The woman seated next to me wanted to know if San Francisco is near the water. I replied, "What's water?" so she wouldn't feel stupid.
@Aspersioncast: Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
@Cheese_Pile: *Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat* *Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*