@timdonakowski: "You got a friend in me" - your friend's girlfriend
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@Sulky_Girl: My therapist told me cats are not babys, so i let my let my baby shit in his office.
@AmishPornStar1: My wife's yoga class is really relaxing... 'Cuz she's usually gone for at least two hours.
@XplodingUnicorn: Went to a parade. For an hour, bored people on floats waved. For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back. It was the greatest day of her life.
@FuckabillyRex: Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Me: It's a meatball sub and I'm happy as long as I don't have to share