@timdonakowski: "You got a friend in me" - your friend's girlfriend
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@Discourt: My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
@tastefactory: ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary *Bloody Mary appears* ME: I'm moving today and need your help BLOODY MARY: Shit
@pinupteacher: Hey baby, lemme see what's under that shell. Ugh, as if. *Lady turtle starts walking away.* [3 hours later] I still see you there baby.
@pleatedjeans: new boss: mind sharing an office? me: no NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed