Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
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so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
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I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.