you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
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*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy