– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
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Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum