– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
You Might Also Like
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Generation gap…
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired